Nachoism FAQ

1. What the fuck is Nachoism?

Nachoism is a cult. We are the followers of Maizious, the god of Nachos.

2. Who is Maizious?

I just told you! He's the god of Nachos! Maizious is the creator of nachos, and beer, which he used to quench his thirst. His other creations include the universe, the sun and Earth and all life as we know it. He's omnipotent.

3. How come I never heard of Maizious before?

Well, as you can imagine, he's a great fan of his creations, Nachos and Beer. So of course, he's gained a lot of pounds off of nachos and spends most of his time in a drunken stupor and the rest of his time recovering from a hangover. So, as you can see, he doesn't have much time to make personal visits to his lesser creations (i.e., the Earth). He only recently appeared to the Supreme Nachos to spread the word of his glorious cult. Now he tries to keep in touch with his followers via e-mail. (maizious@harryamericanwombats.com)

4. Okay, so he's the god of Nachos. So what?

So what?! Don't you get it, man?! He created Nachos and Beer! Isn't that enough? Not to mention the fact that he created the Universe. What more do you want from him?

5. What do you guys do?

We sacrifice Nachos every Thursday in praise of Maizious. Beer is often times consumed, but other beverages of choice are sometimes substituted on account of low funds or local laws regarding alchohol consumption. That's about it.

6. Sounds pretty cool. How do I join?

First you visit our web site, which obviously you are at now. Then you fill out the on-line application by clicking on the buttons that say Join Now or Get Nachoism Now. It's easy. Once you've been approved, you'll recieve a newsletter from the Supreme Nacho via e-mail.

7. Newsletter from the Supreme Nacho?

It used to be every Thursday, Supreme Nacho Pete sends out a newsletter to allthe cultists, updating them on all of the new members for the week and any particular going-ons of the cult. It was not a sermon per say, since everything besides the Nacho Sacrifice is optional. Now, Supreme Nacho Brent revived the site, and you'll be lucky to see a newsletter once a year.

8. No sermons? Where do you get your moral values from?

Our moral code comes from the holy book of Nachoism, Der Weg. It is the word of Maizious, where he tells the world things.

9. Where can I read Der Weg?

Right here on line, silly!

10. It doesn't seem done yet.

Hey, it takes a while to translate it into English. And it's hard to do with all of the greasy nacho cheese stains, spilt beer and an occasional vomit spot.

11. Der Weg is German, right? I'm German. Where can I get a German copy of Der Weg, since it's already in my native tongue?

Yes, Der Weg is German for "The Way." However, that is the only part that is written in German. It's actually written in English, but in addition to the horrible condition of the manuscripts, the scribe must have been illiterate herself and had terrible penmanship.

12. What exactly is considered a nacho?

A nacho is any corn-based chip product, suitable for dipping into a dip-type product, such as sour cream, cheese or salsa. They are usually triangular, although round shaped nacho chips are acceptable. Some commonly sacrificed nachos include Nacho Cheesier Doritos, Tostitos as well as Restarante style chips. Fritos are unacceptable, as are potato chips. Lite Nachos and low salt nachos are acceptable, although the practice of sacrificing these inferior chips is discouraged.

13. What happens if I don't sacrifice Nachos on Thursday?

That depends on you. If you don't tell anyone, how are they going to know to punish you? In this cult, things are only wrong if you get caught. Of course, if you get caught, Maizious might release his Holy Wind out of his ass as a punishment, and that is somehting you don't want to smell, so it's best just to sacrifice the Nachos. But if you don't, Maizious isn't Omniscient, just Omnipotent.

14. Why do you guys sacrifice on Thursday?

Duh! Because Maizious made the Earth on the First Thursday. He would have done it on Sunday, but he was too lazy.

15. Maizious is lazy?

Shit yeah! He's the most fucked up lazy drunk you'll ever see. He considers laziness a virtue and encourages it in his followers. Why do you think we don't have half the crap we want to up on this web page yet? And it took about 3 years to get it up again when it crashed?

16. Are you monotheistic or polytheistic?

We are polytheistic. Maizious is the king of the gods. He got lonely so he made himself a wife, Hoicus. We know he had one kid with her, the Great Wombat, who is a giant wombat. He had a couple other kids, but he always passes out before he can tell us their names. Hopefully, Der Weg will tell us their names.

Currently, Maizious is divorced and is stuck paying big alimony payments to Hoicus, for it was she who created Lawyers. There are now some good gods, and some bad gods, but basically they just fight amongst themselves and don't concern us mere mortals.

17. How is the Clergy organized?

At the top are the Supreme Nachos. Currently there are two: Pete and Brent. They are the ones who Maizious first made his precence known to and told to spread the word about Nachoism.

Beneath them are the Primates. There 9 Primates in the world. They each control a major region of the world. The 9 Primatehoods are Europe, Asia, South America (including Mexico), Pacific Islands (including Australia), Canada, The United States of America, The United Kingdom, Africa and Antarctica. Right now, all of these positions are filled except for the Primacy of Africa and Antarctica, as we have no members in either of these continents yet.

Next is the Bishops. Each Primatehood is divided into littler sections, each with a Bishop. These Bishops are in charge of a smaller Nation or a State or Provinence.

Then there are the Muzeeks. The Muzeeks are the Bishops' helpers. For every 50 members in a Bishophood, there is one Muzeek.

Of course, there are tons of just regular members beneath the Muzeeks.

There are also a few special positions that Maizious has appointed. Currently, the only one is the Cult Athletic Director and General of Our Undead Army as Soon as We Get One. Maizious will most likely assign newer special clergy positions as they are deemed neccessary and when he gets around to it.

18. What does a member of the Clergy do?

Basically nothing. Members beneath them can ask them for help with certain questions pertaining to the Cult.

19. I want to be a member of the Clergy. What do I do?

We give the open titles to the first person to apply for them, so if you want to be a bishop or a primate, you have to be the first person from that region to apply for membership to the cult. The Supreme Nachos are assigned directly from Maizious as are the special Clergy positions. The Muzeeks are assigned by the Bishops who are above them. So if you're not the Bishop, being the Muzeek is all you can obtain unless you move or the current Bishop resigns. Work hard and get converts and assists. If you're a Bishop, you have to wait until your Primate resigns. And if you're the Primate already, well aren't you just the shit?

20. What do you mean by converts and assists?

On the members listing, we keep score. You get points on the score board by getting others to join. One person who mentions your name on the application gives you one convert. If you help someone else get someone to join, then you get an assist. It's kinda like hockey.

21. Where are the WaReZ?

Are you really that stupid? We are a Cult devoted to Maizious the nacho god, not a place for you to phreak out. Get a life.

22. Who can I ask questions?

E-mail Supreme Nacho Brent.